Monday, May 17, 2010

A Quick Guide to Different Governments

Bill, James, Tyler, Andrew, and Mike get together every Friday night and order pizza. They can never agree on what to get, though. Bill wants to get Meat Lovers'. James wants to get Canadian. Tyler wants to get pepperoni made with free-range meat because he is against animal cruelty. Andrew is a vegetarian, so he wants to get veggie pizza. Mike is vegan and wants to get vegetarian pizza with soy cheese. So how do they decide?

Direct Democracy
All five guys vote on toppings and eventually come to an agreement. Mike disagrees with their choice, but he got outvoted, so fuck him.

Republic
The five elect Tyler to choose the toppings. Tyler considers the preferences of his buddies when choosing.

Despotism/Dictatorship/Autocracy
Bill tells his friends that they're ordering Meat Lovers', and anyone who doesn't like it can order a knuckle sandwich.

Monarchy
James claims to have special pizza-related knowledge due to the time he spent at the Institute of Italian-American Cuisine. Although this claim is never verified, James ends up ordering every week, regardless of how good or bad his choice is.

Constitutional Monarchy
James suspects that someone is about to call bullshit on him, so he lets Tyler and Mike pick the toppings, but he still acts like he picked them himself.

Socialism
Once the pizza is ordered, Andrew realizes that he's a few bucks short for his part of the pizza, so Tyler spots him a few bucks, knowing that Andrew is never going to pay him back.

Capitalism
Bill offers to pay for the pizza if they get Meat Lovers'.

Communism
James orders plain cheese pizza, then adds each person's choice of toppings individually, after they've filled out the Pizza Requisition Forms and allowed 6 to 9 hours for processing.
(Alternatively, James calls up the pizza place and asks for a pizza that is 1/5 meat lovers', 1/5 Canadian, 1/5 pepperoni, 1/5 vegetarian and 1/5 vegan. When the pizza place tells him that they're not going to make a pizza like that, he says "fuck it" and orders half Canadian-half meat lovers'.)

Theocracy
Mike declares vegan to be the One True Pizza, and scares everyone else into agreeing by telling them stories of the awful things that happen to meat-eating infidels.

Facism
Andrew knows that his friends are too dumb to know what's good for them, so he orders the pizza himself, for their own good.

Oligarchy/Plutocracy

Mike and Tyler choose the pizza toppings, since they are cooler than Bill, James, and Andrew.

Imperialism
The guys order pepperoni, and they like it so much that they call the pizza place back and have them change everyone else's order to pepperoni as well.

Anarchy
The five guys argue until after the pizza place is closed. They end up eating whatever they can find in the house: instant mashed potatoes and breakfast cereal. Andrew steals Mike's breakfast cereal.

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Ha, very good, but now the Canadian pizza cost more!!!

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Kleptocracy: Joey promises a new, better pizza that will fulfill everybody's wildest dreams. After he collects the money and everyone is salivating, he runs off with it.